What to say (and what not to say) to someone grieving
A short, honest guide for friends and coworkers who want to help and worry about getting it wrong.
4 min read
Most people freeze around grief because they are afraid of saying the wrong thing. Grief researchers and counselors generally agree that simple presence matters more than the exact words chosen (American Psychological Association [APA], 2022).
Things that almost always help
“I am so sorry.” “I am thinking of you.” “I do not know what to say, but I am here.” Specific, time-bound offers also help: “I am dropping off dinner Thursday at 6, no need to answer the door.”
Things to avoid
Avoid attempts to explain the loss, including phrases that begin with “at least,” or that suggest the person is in a better place; these can feel dismissive even when meant kindly (American Psychological Association [APA], 2022). Avoid prescribing a timeline for grief.
Following up later
Acute support tends to fade after the first two weeks, when the bereaved person often needs it most. A short message at the one-month, three-month, and one-year marks is often deeply meaningful.